


Sanctuary After Hell

by starespressos



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2017, AU, Always pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief description of a death, Fireworks, First Kiss, Fluff, Loneliness, M/M, Minor Character Death, New Year, New Year's Eve, Pining, Wow I'm late, trauma mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9382040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starespressos/pseuds/starespressos
Summary: After trauma-inducingly losing his fiancée, Dean can't spend the New Year's Eve in the outside world. Instead, he binge-watches Netflix and pretends it doesn't happen, returning to his daily routines only when most of the dust has settled. After five years of darkness and grief, things start to change.





	

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: Edited for readability.
> 
> ALRIGHT. SO LATE. But better late than never. This was a ~1000 word fic I just wanted to ventilate myself with a little. Instead, now it's 7K and what is life  
> I just want this out of my system already so I can move on
> 
> Happy reading. Self-betaed, be kind. Always // be // kind

All New Year's celebration should be cancelled.

Dean clenched his suitcase tighter to his side, keeping his gaze lowered as he waited for the tram. He'd closed the office for today and ignored all condolences got from his colleagues. All he had to do now was to get home, close the curtains and play some classic rock hard enough to drown the sound of fireworks. He felt like a dog.

It'd been five years already. Back then, he'd been as happy as the rest of them – preparing a feast to welcome a new year and making all his friends fall in love with his cooking. Buying fireworks had also been his turf, while his fiancée took care of cleaning the house and arranging welcoming fires across their driveway.

Five years and every year, Dean would close the curtains, listen to music and forget the annual celebration. He'd then bingewatch Netflix for the first days of January and get back on track on the seventh or eighth. No reason to fuss over anything by then.

 

Yeah, everything had changed, Dean thought solemnly. He stopped for a moment to admire the beauty of the ocean that reached into canals here closer to the heart of the city. He leaned against the railing and kicked some stones off into the blackness below. All kinds of lights were illuminating both air and water; some Christmas chain lights here and there, general lampposts by pavements and across the bridge and to the right, an allotment garden held some warm, welcoming candles and lanterns. This Christmas no snow had fallen and the ground lay as black as the ocean.

As Dean stayed there, staring into the abyss, he felt a thought igniting – the eerie, yet almost irrevocably accurate thought that things were about to change. Past years, he wouldn't have stopped to stare at anything, no matter the cost. For five years, he'd kept on walking, grieved when mandatory and then felt as black as everything around him, but never stopping. Instead he was always keeping on walking towards whatever escape was ahead next.

 

On December 31st of 2010, Emilie had felt nauseated and full after all the binge eating that'd been going on for a week. Dean had decided to take his beautiful wife-to-be for a walk by the sea before they'd entertain some friends from the office they'd built together. They had settled on their mutual New Year's resolutions of finally tying the knot in June, finishing the patio on their newly built house and getting deeper into their hobby of squash they'd started the year before. It was a good year for lovers of snow and during the holidays, they too had gotten a little silly in the white-cold blankets of frozen rain. All in all, it seemed like the whole world had, after a lot of messing around in Dean's past, finally fallen into place.

Of course, it should have been much easier to never get so comfortable in a life that had always been out of Dean's reach before. Why would anything have changed after Emilie had appeared? He'd always managed well alone and albeit his reputation as a school playboy, he'd never been one to run after relationships. Before Emilie, he'd never thought he'd even fall in love. And as he watched her bleed to death on that last evening of 2010, he reminded himself he was never cut out for that kind of happiness.

It was a hit and run with a skyrocket. Emelie had gotten in the way of some kids who were igniting fireworks down at the beach and then she'd been on the ground, shot right in the carotid artery. Nobody had time to blink, let alone catch the kids who ran away screaming. There was nothing anyone could've done – the blood gushed out of her and spread into the whiteness of the snow and Dean couldn't remember anything from that day but most likely he was grasping her tight and begging, praying and trying to stop the blood from escaping. People around them were ready to have the time of their lives and do the last mistakes for the year. Up in the sky, fireworks were already starting to make their grand debut.

It'd taken so long until he had the courage to think about the situation at all. Funeral preparations flew by in a psychotic haze of ”I'm so sorry”'s and ”She's in a better place now”'s. Dean swore he'd never use those cliches on anyone grieving. He'd then settled on moving out of their home and taking a year off work before getting a grip of daily routines and life again. Slowly, things did begin to get easier. He never talked about his past with new people; he managed better without pity. And, like mentioned, he still couldn't handle New Year's Eve.

 

As a brave winter biker rang his bell at Dean, he was awakened from his staring-into-the-abyss and thrown back into today. His feet felt both sore and numb from standing still for so long and for a while he had to reminisce where he was headed. Indeed, home to get behind locked doors. Choosing the narrow path next to the canal for scenic reasons, he shook remnants of the still-painful memory from his head.

Here, the canal kissed edges of the allotment garden making this one of Dean's favorite spots to hang out during summertime. Sometimes, he'd even take his camera along. He didn't truly double as a photographer, but still loved to capture some of the natural beauty of his hometown. Today, though, he simply wanted to bask in the dark silence before exiting into his cave. He walked towards a tall willow tree that reached its fingers into the canal and admired the arches and hooks of organic architecture. Then – barely visible in the dark – there was a little… A little thing.

Dean leaned down a little, ducking his head to get under the lower-hanging branches. Sneaking in, he figured said thing was a human; a little one, a child that seemed to be shaking in the coldness of the black soil. Oh, not good – New Year's Eve, a child crying alone and Dean should be home already-

”Hello there”, he said, keeping his voice firm but gentle, ”Can I help you?”

The child turned around, their face full of surprise which quickly turned into a squint filled with mocking wit.

”I don't know, _can_ you?”

Dean scoffed. For a person who was seven, tops, this one seemed feisty. ”Hey hey! I'm being kind here!”

The kid wiped their cheeks real fast – definitely from tears – before continuing.

”So I might've lost my guardian while we were running from some bad men but you seem too clumsy to help me.”

”Who said I want to”, Dean said. Although he hated himself for getting childish with an actual child, there was something so pure and mean about this particular one he couldn't help himself.

”You, twat”, they snorted, ”you just said 'can I help you'.”

”Well maybe I was feeling obligated because you were here being a crybaby!”

The kid crossed their arms and looked at Dean in a defiant stare that probably broke their guardian's will every time. Dean couldn't help but roll his eyes and try again.

”Alright, kiddo, look, I'm sorry. You're obviously wise beyond your years and you gotta admit that pisses adults off. 't doesn't mean I wouldn't help you out in finding your… guardian.”

”Well, what are you waiting for then? Let's go. Lift me up on your shoulders so I can see better.”

”Can't you just walk on the ground like normal people?”

He could see the kid's frown get deeper so he decided to give in easier this time. Kneeling down on the wet ground, he sighed.

”All right, cowboy, jump on then.”

The kid hopped on and Dean could've sworn they didn't look as heavy as they actually were. With a grunt, he straightened his posture.

”So. What are we trying to find here?”

”I'll tell you when I find something. Meanwhile, just keep on strolling, you old hag”, the kid said, voice now filled with amusement. He grabbed Dean's ears. ”I can steer you by your bridle.”

 

The weird child who, based on his brain, could also have been a full-grown person, stayed almost silent while riding on Dean's shoulders. Almost - it was like there was a song stuck on loop on the little one. They were Dean's very own jukebox as they walked through masses of people that seemed to be walking in accelerating speed. Stores were about to close soon. This was way later than Dean was used to but he felt like he was on an important mission. Sure, he tried to ask something a couple of times but soon realized it was pointless – the best answer he could get was a sigh between the hums.

This gave Dean an opportunity to give his feelings more thought. Was this the change he'd felt in the air? No, no, that didn't feel quite right. There was something underway, it was vibrating in the air around him like approaching crescendos of fireworks. He was spiraling towards something – something that was pulling him in and instead of feeling panicked, he felt at ease for the first time in a long time. It was excitement over feeling nervous and anticipation instead of anxiousness. It was right there in his fingertips – tingling. If he wasn't feeling both responsible for a little person and excited of what's to come, he'd feel weirded out, ashamed or even scared. Surprisingly enough, these were the furthest things from his mind.

Walking through the main shopping street that was holding after-Christmas sales already, the kid yanked Dean by both ears. He stopped next to a huge Christmas tree that was still standing bravely, filled with colorful lights, beaming with unachievable happiness.

”Halt, pony”, he heard them say, ”I see Anna up ahead.”

”Why are we stopping then? Who's Anna?”

”Turn around, pony!”

There was the type of urgency in the child's voice that made Dean obey without a second thought. Before he could take a single step, though, he bumped softly into something he could only describe as _sanctuary_. As he raised his gaze to meet eyes that, although full of concern right about now, were endless ponds of summer blue haze, the first thing he was about to say was _so it was you I anticipated_. But now those eyes were fixated on the kid still up on Dean's shoulders and although Dean would have _died_ for them to focus on him instead, there were matters to be taken care of.

”Hello”, the man said in a voice that Dean could feel in his lower back, ”I do believe you have something that … should be with me.”

Dean could hear the kid blow a raspberry into the air. As for himself, he felt like answering with a cliché as big as 'what, my heart?'.

”I'm never going home! See, I got a pony now!”

”'s right, you know”, Dean heard himself say, ”I can confirm. I'm the pony.”  
The man tilted his head and squinted in a manner Dean had seen not too long ago. Was this the kid's guardian?

”Giddyup, pony!” the kid yelled, ”let's run away from the mean man!”  
”I'd very much rather you didn't”, the man said, looking at Dean but decreasing the squint, ”See, she was with us and decided some New Year's elaborate hide-and-seek game was time better spent than buying dinner.”

While saying this, he nodded to somewhere behind Dean and then a fiery-haired woman appeared next to them. The kid shrieked loud enough to raise the spirit of Christmas past and Dean couldn't hear anything but white noise for a second.

”Charlie!” the woman said, ”you are definitely, utmostly, indefinitely restricted from behaving like this! You have any idea how worried we were about your disappearance?”

Dean sighed. First of all, he'd been fooled by a kid who wanted to play games and second of all, he was now intertwined in some family drama that included a picture-perfect nuclear family that he'd never be able to achieve. Third of all, the husband was to-die-for handsome and beautiful, like a belated Christmas present wrapped in his trenchcoat right there under the giant tree and fourth of all, he was going to be super late for his self-evacuation.

He realized the kid had been in a loud argument with her mother for a while now and he probably should do something about the fact that she was still on his shoulders. With not much grace, he yanked the kid by her waist and set her to the ground.

”I'm taking off”, he said then, ”thanks for the adventure, Charlie.”  
The woman placed her hand over her chest.

”I am so grateful”, she put emphasis on every word, ”you have no idea. She could have taken off with anyone and I'm glad it was you.”

”I can make my own decisions”, Charlie said, ”I know who's a good person. This pony is a twat though.”

Dean snorted. ”Yeah? Well, at least I'm not a liar.”

There was a smile on Charlie's face. A small one, and short definitely, but she was definitely pleased with Dean or herself or both.

”I'm serious. Drop off at the Sugarmill coffee shop down the street soon enough”, the mother said, ”I'll bake you the pie of a lifetime as a thank you.”

Dean raised his eyebrows. Hard to say no to free pie.

”I might. It's not a big deal though.”

 

With a vague wave of his hand, he left - there was no reason to drag this on for any longer. It was already half past seven now and the annual Grand Firework Show hosted by the city was only half an hour away. If he ran now, he'd make it to the twenty-to tram and would be off into the distance before the party started. As he picked up the pace, he could feel the anxiety and pain building up in his chest; there was no escape from those lonely nights up ahead. At that exact moment, as to add a drum roll on his thoughts, a single set of fireworks went up in the air. Dean's heart got stuck in his throat. He was not ready for this.

The tram was already at the stop as Dean reached it and he would have gotten on it without effort, unless. Unless there was someone grabbing his wrist and forcing him to come to a halt. Anxiety, well built up in his ribcage now, escalated as a yell.

”What the hell?” he asked, prepared to punch whoever was trying to mug him during this one shit of a night. As he turned around, he was satisfied he didn't approach the situation with his fist, though – his new crush, the azure-eyed masterpiece was staring at him. It seemed as if he'd always been standing there, but of course he must have run to catch up with Dean.

”I'm sorry for startling you”, he said, letting go of Dean's hand, ”but I didn't know what to yell, since I don't know your name.”

”Dean. It's… It's Dean”, Dean answered and nodded towards the tram. ”I'm sorry, but I need to get on this. It's the last one tonight.”

”Hello, Dean. Come see the fireworks with us”, the man said and his voice seemed almost… pleading? ”As a thank you.”

Dean shook his head in a motion that must have seemed way too angry.

”I'm sorry.”

The man squinted again. What's with the gesture?

”It would mean a lot to me.”

Dean could hear the sound of tram as it started to slide away from the stop. He looked at it go and groaned.

”Seems like I've got no choice now, do I?”

”I will personally see to it that you get home, then.”

Suddenly, Dean could very well understand the squint – he had to do it himself. Was this man _flirting_ with him? He shrugged to shake off the thought.

”You'll have to pay for my therapy, too, but sure, sure. I'll come with your lovely family.”

They started strolling across the street back towards the giant tree.

”Are you traumatized by fireworks?”

”Hey, man. Sure, I can let you give me therapy, but we should be on first name basis first.”

”Oh!” the man exclaimed, seeming thrown off by this realization, ”I'm sorry. My name is Castiel.”

A unique name to those unique eyes, Dean thought. Sure, that fit him well.

”Right, Castiel. I'm traumatized by the whole New Year's tradition although you've got to admit fireworks are the biggest influence on the atmosphere. To be honest, I kind of wanted to stay home tonight and return to the outside world on the seventh of January, or something. It's… The start of a year is really not my strongest time.”

”Then it's mandatory you join us. If you want to hide afterwards, fine. I'll wrap you up in a cosy blanket.”  
Dean halted.

”Why are you talking to me like that?”

There was concern in Castiel's eyes again and Dean realized he'd never want to be the cause for that.

”Because you're a good person, Dean. You're a good person and you seem sad.”

”Who says I'm a good person?”

”Well, you saved my niece.”

Dean frowned. _Niece_? Alright, that's hands town the best news he'd heard today.

”The fire-haired girl was your-”

”Sister, Anna. _Oh_ ”, Castiel sighed, ”I see how this could be confusing.”

Dean nodded and rolled his eyes before continuing. There was a sense of warmth in his stomach that was hard to diminish now.

”What do you mean?” he decided to ask. He heard Castiel hum.

”Me offering to take you home and abandon my wife and child… That does seem reckless. And reckless is something I'm not, I'll have you know that. So what has you traumatized over fireworks so bad?”

”It's a story for a situation without”, Dean dodged a laughing group of people that owned the street, ”all these people around.”

”I will be holding you on to that”, Castiel said, lowering his voice since they were approaching Charlie and Anna again, ”that's a promise.”

Before concentrating on his sister and niece again, he shot Dean a glance that was filled with both caring and admiration. Dean felt he had to rapidly shake his head to be able to focus again.

 

It was odd, to say the least.

As the first silent pearls of fireworks ascended into the dark sky like glowing tadpoles, Dean could feel his chest tightening. When was the last time he actually _enjoyed_ fireworks? He'd hoped to get to the point of suffering-through or enduring at best, he didn't want to believe in the impossible. He looked around and saw Charlie, who was mesmerized over the show, yelping in happiness with every different color. There was Anna next to her daughter, obviously relaxed and smiling at Dean as their gazes met. Next, tadpoles changed into comets, then into loud strobes and brocades that made Dean painfully aware of his current whereabouts. He filled his lungs with gunpowder-saturated air and felt his hands tremble. What was he thinking? Why did he believe he'd be ready for this? It felt like disrespecting Emilie's memory.

Then, all of a sudden, Dean felt a firm hand grabbing his. He raised his gaze to meet Castiel's – a warm, worried, caring, questioning stare, as if he'd been there forever right beside him, well aware of what every gesture Dean made meant, a guardian angel asking _are you alright?_ without saying a word. Although this felt like melting lava inside him, Dean shook his head, so Castiel turned to say something to Anna without ever letting go of Dean's hand. He saw Anna nod and smile at Dean and before concentrating on the fireworks again, she mouthed 'pie'. After that, Dean was pulled away from the crowd.

 

They walked in silence for a while and as the sounds and scents dissolved, Dean felt he could breathe again. Their hands were still pressed together and he wanted to take his glove off to feel Castiel's skin against his – for investigational purposes, of course – to know whether there were actual sparks there.

”I'm sorry”, Castiel said before Dean had time to say the same, ”I don't want to pry, but seems like you've got it bad. I'm curious.”

”I just need to get home”, Dean answered, ”I'm sorry I'm ruining tonight for you. You can go back to your family. I'll manage – heck, I might even be better off on my own.”

Was he serious about his statement or was he trying to impress himself by being a strong person, he didn't know. But Castiel didn't let go.

”I told Anna I'm leaving with you so if that's alright, I'm going to do that. And I want you to talk to me.”

”Ain't much of a talker, tell you that. Like I said, I need to get home.”

”Well, can I get you there? I said I'd hold onto that promise of you telling me what's with the fireworks.”

There was a part of Dean that felt like a child right now. He wanted to know what it felt like to have Castiel wrap that trenchcoat around him. He wanted to feel safe and get lost in the warmth of someone who was this intriguing to him.

”It's quite a while to where I live”, Dean sighed.

”Then don't go there”, Castiel said. As Dean turned to shoot him a look that should have been full of mockery and haughtiness but was more surprise and admiration, a single willow-shaped firework exploded right above them. Instead of flinching, Dean just kind of kept his gaze on his company's eyes. God, was he beautiful. That comparison to a belated Christmas present was closer to the truth than he thought.

”You do realize, Dean”, Castiel said and Dean could've sworn he sounded short of breath, ”you've been ogling me for a while now.”

”I bingewatch Netflix”, Dean heard himself say.

”I am not Netflix.”

”For the first days of the year. I binge Netflix. So if you think I'm going to abandon my tradition, you'll have another thing coming.”

”I would never drag you away from such important matters. I'll send you home first thing tomorrow morning.”

”That's… mighty chivalrous of you.”

Dean didn't realize they were still holding hands until Castiel let go so he could move his hand to gently put it against Dean's cheek. There was a deep frown on his face while he did this, and soon he lowered his hand again.

”Although, you seem like a person I'd binge Netflix with.”

It was not like Dean hadn't thought that Castiel would be interested in him already. Still, hearing this made the ground shake and it wasn't half as much as Dean would have said himself. It felt as if he was drunk and it might be too late to turn back now. He reached for Castiel's hand and intertwined their fingers.

”I don't know”, Dean sighed with a shy smile, he wanted to play this game for a second longer, albeit he was a lost cause, ”your screen size may not impress me.”

”I'm staying with my sister for the time being, so it's not my screen size but I assure you, it's reasonable. I'll throw in marshmallows to sweeten the deal.”

”Uh, sorry. I'm old school, I love my popcorn.”

”I guess nobody's perfect then”, Castiel hummed and raised his hand to place it on the small of Dean's back, right about where his voice had previously felt. Dean felt he was gasping for air he couldn't have consumed right now anyway.

And of the all the things he could've chosen to say, he chose  
”Well, you seem to be.”

Castiel's smile was as radiant as his eyes.

”You're flattering me, Dean.”

There was a split second of a moment as they both were about to lean in closer, but Dean broke off, stepping back.

”Dammit, Cas. You're killing me here.”

He felt blood rushing up his face on a whole new level. Heck, an hour ago he would never have imagined starting to date again and he'd always thought it'd happen somewhere in the far future. He'd first think of becoming strong enough to meet someone, then decide whether he'd want to meet again and finally, maybe, have a sleepover. Now, all this was fast-forwarded and although all of Dean's dreams had incarnated right here in front of him, he felt uneasy.

And uneasy was putting it lightly – if he would've been true to himself, he'd be shaking and crying already.

”There's a diner across the block. I'll buy you a cup of coffee and you'll talk to me. You… I believe you've never talked. Am I right?”

”I'm really sorry, Castiel, but I- I think I need to leave now.”

With that, Dean turned his back on Castiel and left.

 

***

 

 _Some regrets_ would the underestimation of a lifetime.

 

For the duration of January, Dean blamed himself for the stupidest decision in his life. He'd panicked, that's for sure, but at what cost? It'd been five years since Emilie died, shouldn't he have moved on already? And what'd be the odds of them ever running into each other again? Castiel never even told him where his usual residence was.

In February and March, he started to get busy at work again – his agency always picked up the pace in early spring to prepare for large summer sales. Events tended to be sold best in summer when the weather was nice and most clients had the possibility of taking a couple of days off. Dean, of course, didn't have such grand pipe dreams. He'd keep his vacation during winter – he had to make those extended Netflix binges possible somehow.

April, May and June were a breeze in the wind for him; weather stayed cold and when he wasn't driving his Impala towards some fancy event location, he was crunching numbers behind his desk while drinking an abominable amount of coffee. Rest of the summer months were too hot and humid for his liking so he stayed inside next to a ventilation machine and a water dispenser. He worked harder than ever, wanting to keep his distress of losing Castiel at bay.

Sometimes at night, he'd wake up drenched in sweat after vague nightmares he wouldn't remember. It didn't feel good to think about New Year after those nights.

 

Halloween brought along new thoughts, Charlie being the most prominent of them. Was she trick-or-treating? Why didn't she wander off again so he could find him? Heck, why didn't Castiel wander off so he could find him? This made Dean feel stupid. If he did care, he'd tried to find him. Instead, radio silence.  
He'd lie if he were to claim there hadn't been a certain undertone in his year. Yeah, some regrets was a light thing to say when it was a clarion call in his head telling him that he'd lost the opportunity to ever be happy again. And unlike when Emilie died, this felt inculpatory, demanding and hopeless. Sure, it was the worst to lose her, but it was now the act of _being blamed_ instead of _blaming_. It was the storm after the calm after the storm. It was Hell after Sanctuary.

And he didn't even know what he was missing out on. What would have happened, had he gone off with Castiel? Would it have become a long therapy session or a messy one night stand or, gods forbid, a relationship? To be honest, he'd have been cool with any of those. It was the anticipation combined with cowardliness that made him angry over and over again.

 

By the time Christmas was over and the days kept on flying by, it felt like the whole world had dullened into different shades of muted brownish gray. It was not like Dean'd expect anything to happen on the next New Year's Eve as he left the office. He was still certain all celebration should be cancelled. As he stood at the tram stop, clenching his suitcase tight against his side, he let out an almost desperate sigh. Was this how it was going to be? Escaping life forever, like a pigeon on those YouTube videos?

Dean felt his legs pull him backwards as the tram doors opened in front of him. No, it couldn't be like this. It could not – there was something he ought to do about this. If there was something this past year did teach him, he realized, it was that no more years would go to waste. It might have been Castiel who actually taught him that, and although they'd likely not meet again, he would always be in gratitude for that. He ended up being the first push back towards life.

Before moving anywhere, he gave this a bit of thought. Should he start off big and go see the fireworks? Should he drive around and try to find a nice view to admire the celebration? Should he walk the same route as last year and hope he'd run into that ungrateful brat Charlie again? The thought seemed tempting, but he shook it off. It was not likely.

Now, if he insisted he should meet familiar faces tonight, he should finally take Anna up on that offer for pie. He never dared go there, because there was an off chance of her being angry at Dean for ditching her brother without an explanation. Now, though, Dean was wanting things to happen – if it was a conflict, then be it. He'd suck it up with a grin. With that, he decided on cashing his unwritten coupon.

 

It was easy to find the coffee shop – heck, Dean would have been able to locate it with a blindfold on. The scent of peach and apple pies carried out into the street and made him shiver with pleasure. He passed the crowds of busy people and entered Sugarmill with a jingle of a bell above the door. Loads of people were making last-minute serving purchases for their parties and clerks buzzed happily around pies, giving treats for kids. Standing right there in the doorway, Dean locked eyes with Anna, who was emerging from the – what Dean assumed it to be – kitchen. She squinted in a way that was familiar to Dean and made his stomach turn. Then, as he should have guessed already, she stormed his way and when close enough, slapped him in the face. It was an open-palm wham that was more embarrassing than painful.

”You have nerve”, Anna scoffed, ”to come here!”

There was a fire in her eyes that indicated much more than just a ditched brother. For a moment, Dean was afraid Charlie'd come up with some lies about their meeting.

”I'm sorry, I'm not following you.”

”You cannot expect that promise for pie to expand this long!”

”What, so you punch me? Is that going to solve things?”

”It's making it a lot easier to stand your face right now”, she was breathing in and out hastily, obviously full of anger, ”I hate you, Dean.”

”Please do share your information with me. I'm okay with being hated, I'll have you know that, but only if I know why.”

”Hmmm. Let's really look into this, shouldn't we?”

Dean had to hand it to Anna – she looked frightening. It was as if her hair was moving in tact with her anger and her eyes were full-on fire.

”Last New Year's Eve. You dumping my brother like a piece of SHIT IN A TOILET”, her voice was so loud there was no soul in the shop or on the street that didn't hear her, but she was too far gone to care. Instead, she slammed her fists against Dean's chest.

”I- For that, I'm sorry. I really am”, Dean said, taking her hands in his, ”but are you certain it's worth all the rage?”

”I had you pegged for a good guy, and I thought you'd come around sooner or later, so I promised him I'd ask for your number.”

The shift in her mood was tangible. It was like taking her hands was the equivalent of gently taking hold of a kitten's neck, as their moms tended to do. She was quiet, unmoving, her eyes glazed, staring into the distance.

”And he's been disinterested ever since. He's been reluctant to visit. He's been reluctant to meet us, me and Charlie.”

”How's the kid?”

The heavy feeling in his chest was not to be cheated with small talk, he knew that. Still, it was worth the shot.

”None of your damned business, you jerk”, Anna said, her eyes still staring out the window, ”you're not family, nor will you ever be.”

Dean finally let go of her hands and tried to catch her gaze by blocking the view. When Anna raised her eyes to meet his, there was almost a smile on her face. So, there was hope… Maybe.

”I know it's not my place to ask, but there's no, uh, chance Castiel would be in town?”

”No, it's not your place to ask. Definitely not. But I owe him this. I promised to give you the benefit of a doubt, so I'm going to tell you yes, he's in town. This is the first time he's in town since last year and it's for the sole purpose of hoping to bump into you. If you ruin this”, she put up her finger menacingly, ”I. Will. Tear. You. Down. This is my only chance to make him want to come over again. And he's my brother. Please don't ruin this, damn it.”

 

As Dean made his way with only the scent of a pie, he thought of Anna's reaction. Sure, if he hadn't seen his brother Sam in a year because of some douche, he'd be mad too. So it was really Castiel's reaction he should be worried about. What'd happened there? It was not like they'd become too close. Not like they'd spent days in each other's company, got acquainted with each other's mind and soul and body-

_Ok, first of all, Dean, stop thinking right now,_

_and second of all, you spent a year pining over a man you spent an hour with._

  
So he kept on going until he arrived at the large tree, which, of course, was different from last year. It was still grand and with some new lights, it was brighter than ever before. It was no match to Castiel, though, who was under it admiring the decorations above. Light hit his face on a way that _almost_ did justice to his beauty, Dean thought, pausing for a while. He wasn't surprised to see the other man, though – like last year, it was a buzz in the air before the sight.

 

 _So this is the one you waited for the whole year,_ Dean told himself. _And this is the one who waited for you._

With that, he felt brave enough to enter the circle of light next to Castiel. Gently, he reached until he could lock their fingers together – it felt like dipping his hand into a lagoonful of warm, azure blue water. He felt, more than heard, Castiel sigh.

”I'm sorry”, he said, these were the first words he chose to say to Dean, ”for ruining it.”

Dean shook his head, looking up. He had to bite his lower lip, he was on the brink of crying.

”I'm going to kiss you now, Cas”, he said, then, ”that alright?”

He felt Castiel look at him, and he smiled before returning his gaze to Cas' eyes that looked bewildered but he nodded nonetheless. Dean leaned in, slowly basking in the sunlight of feeling the man's warm cheek against his coldened nose. He felt his heart do stupid dance-like moves of _please, please, please let me please have this_ , until he realized there was nothing holding him back. He touched Cas' lips lightly with his own and felt blood rushing to his head. Okay, way too much at once. He decided it was best to step back a little.

”I- uh. You were right. I haven't talked.”

Castiel's smile was beaming and Dean knew it was because he was acting like a total idiot right now.

”And I would very much love to take you up on your offer. That is, unless it's too late.”

He felt Castiel tightening his grip on his hand.

”I promised Charlie some fireworks”, he muttered.

”Then we go see some fireworks first. Then I'm making you some coffee at my place and I'd really like it if you were there.”

They were stopped by Charlie, who ran up to them out of nowhere.

”Lame, Cassie”, she proclaimed, ”you've found the same stupid uncle as last year.”

”Nice to see you again, too”, Dean said and patted the girl on the top of her beanie.

”Let's go, we're gonna be late”, she yelped, starting to run again. Castiel looked up at Dean and squinted a little.

”Are you alright with this? I recall you having trouble with fireworks.”

”Thanks for your concern, but I'd do anything for-”, alright, he shouldn't push it right now. They were still raw, still fresh from their meeting, no need to go too deep into words that Dean meant but that sounded like gooey clichés nonetheless. ”I'd like to try that again this year.”

Castiel nodded. Almost hesitantly, they started towards the market.

 

It wasn't like Dean was suddenly and completely healed after his realization of starting to live again. Both lights and sounds still felt overwhelming to say the least – he even had to take some steps back to admire from further away. Castiel never left his side. Instead, he gave Dean's knuckles a single kiss during the grand finale of the show, unknowingly making sure Dean's head stayed high up in the clouds.

Unlike last year, there was no fear of missing the last tram – the city had decided to expand their schedules during the holidays. Dean wanted to tell Castiel everything. How he loved to take the tram to work because it allowed him more time to think; how he never drove inside the city anyway, because fellow travelers could not be trusted near his beloved Impala; how he kind of wanted to move out of his apartment into some better and newer hoods and how much time he actually spent daydreaming of this moment. Instead, they traveled in a comfortable silence, still holding hands and occasionally laughing in silent unison at something that was going on around them. If someone from Dean's office were to see him now, he'd be labeled a childish romantic forever. He wouldn't even have minded.

There was only a couple hundred yards from the tram stop to Dean's place, but they didn't hurry.

”Your sister hit me today”, Dean decided to say as they were walking uphill beneath some tall trees that bended over the road – this year was very generous with snow. Castiel let out a muffled laugh.

”What?”

”She told me she's disappointed in me because you-”

He fell silent. Would Castiel be embarrassed by this?

”Because I never visited?”

”Yeah, that.”

”Well, to be honest, I don't know what happened. And I don't mean to blame you or throw you off in any way, alright? I was out of a really bad year, in which I did a lot of things wrong generally because apparently I'm not socially as fluent as people would want me to be. Then there was you and I just kind of got the final confirmation for that.”

Dean threw his arm around Castiel's shoulders.

”That was not my intention, man.”

”Bygones”, Castiel sniffled, looking up at the first stars that were visible through the thick cloud blanket that had occupied the skies earlier. It wasn't bygones, Dean knew that, but they'd have time to talk.

”I guess we both need therapy, then”, he said, ”I can't wait.”

”I'm still going to get you marshmallows, though.”

”And I'm going to whine and want popcorn anyway.”

”I'll approve”, Castiel said.

They arrived at Dean's apartment. After getting in, Dean felt a sudden rush of nervousness run through him. He was here, alone in his apartment with the person that had been running through his mind all year and like with the kiss that was way too short, there was nothing holding them back. Castiel walked through the house slowly admiring everything he found – plants, paintings, lanterns, even curtains. Dean followed his movements for a while and decided to make a run for the kitchen. The coffee wouldn't brew itself.

After he was done with the mechanics of brewing coffee, he turned around to meet Castiel's gaze. Before he could complain about silent walking and surprise stares, he was pulled in for a kiss – a firm, focused message of _I'm so glad you invited me over_ and _I'm so glad we were to meet again_ and then it was all a bit blurry and swoony for Dean after that. Taking support from the counter behind him, he let Castiel be the first person since forever to touch him like this.

 

And they talked for hours. Dean went through the motions of that New Year's Eve for the first time in six years. It was impossibly hard and made him cry a thousand times but Castiel was patient, letting him use his leg as a pillow and stroking his hair. They drank coffee with some kicky liquor, laughed at inappropriate things and kissed – kissed until they vaguely knew what the other tasted and felt and thought and sounded like – until there was nothing but the humming, blinding, piercing, resonating silence that felt more like love than not many things before had.

Even though many things did change this year, one didn't; Dean spent no less than two of the first weeks in January away from the outside world.


End file.
